an internal struggle

We all know those people. The ones that act like they are considerate, kind, caring and selfless, but in turn they are selfish, inconsiderate and only think about themselves. I am having a major internal struggle right now. I have tried to find forgiveness in my heart, fake smiles until I mean it, act interested and unfazed by what has been told to me but I just can’t. I can’t get past it even when I try my hardest. I need help and an outlet for my anger. I don’t know how to handle some things that are going on with me right now. To put it simply: I think that I am on the verge of a breakdown. I have reached my point. I have been pushed over the edge. Here is my story:

My whole life I have put others first. Always. I have always done what people wanted me to do, I have always helped people that have done me wrong and I have tried to be selfless in every aspect of my life. Right now, in my current state of mind, all I can ask myself is “where has that gotten me? Why was I so selfless when all people do is screw me over? What is the point? The selfish people always seem to win. How is that fair?” I am really struggling and it has led people to tell me that I am “depressing to be around.” Someone said that about me. I was always the one that had a lot of life in her but has been stripped of that excitement for life because of the actions of others. Trust me, I know that I should not let others actions effect me the way that they do but I can’t help it. That is how much I care about other people, and when they let me down it hurts. It really hurts. It hurts my heart big time. I think the thing that hurts the most is that the things that these people do to me, I would not ever do to them. Do you want to know why? Because I care. I CARE. But where has that caring gotten me? Absolutely no where. It has gotten me crying the shower so that I don’t cry in front of others. Ya, that happened today even though I also cried in front of someone else after I finished crying in the shower. I am so tired of being disappointed by people that are close to me and even those that aren’t. I am losing my faith in human nature and human kindness. I am starting to wonder if anyone out there still cares for others [or for me] the way that they should.

Today I need help. I need an outlet. I need to find understanding and I need to find myself again. Tonight I am praying for peace.

I know that this was a not-so-uplifting post but it is what I needed tonight. Here is to hoping tomorrow is better.

“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” >>> Colossians 3:15

Until next time,




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